


What's Left of Me

by lmontyy



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Anger, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Lesbian Character, Making Up, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rebuilding, Reconciliation, Recovery, Sexual Content, Social Anxiety, TLOU, The Last of Us - Freeform, ellie and dina's reconciliation story, takes place after the events of the last of us part ii, the last of us 2, the last of us part 2 - Freeform, the last of us part ii, tlou 2, tlou part 2, tlou part ii
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:53:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24891895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lmontyy/pseuds/lmontyy
Summary: Ellie's decision to leave the farmhouse in order to pursue her vengeance on Abby comes at a severe, crippling cost. When Ellie returns from Santa Barbara, she finds an empty farmhouse, with Dina and JJ nowhere to be found but in the memories that constantly replay in her mind.She needs to find them. She needs her family back. She knows it won't be easy, but she's willing to give just about everything left of her to bring them home.(Takes place immediately after the events of The Last of Us: Part II. Ellie's quest to reconcile with Dina and reunite their family.)
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 34
Kudos: 285





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everyone!  
> What a week! I've been a little MIA on here lately, only because I've been gearing up for the game, and MAN, what a fucking RIDE.
> 
> This was one of the most requested things I have EVER received on the many long months I've been here on AO3. Never in all this time have I seen my audience and the fans of this game so desperate for a happy ending that we deserved. While the ending of the game remains completely open-ended, that does not stop me or anyone else in the writer community for bringing some kind of clarity to the many confused, disappointed, and distressed fans that went through such a god damn rollercoaster with this game. I think we can all collectively agree that we deserved a little bit more happiness in our ending.
> 
> So, here it is! This is gonna be a multi-chapter fanfiction. I originally was going to keep it to a one-shot, but FUCK there's SO MUCH to cover here. There's so much to DIVE INTO. And so much content that can be shared.
> 
> This will probably be my main focus for a while. Meaning, other updates on other stories or the masterlist will probably be a lot slower. I feel like this fic, out of all of the other fics I've ever written, is the most important and significant, and it's NEEDED by A LOT of people.
> 
> > ALSO, this will have DIRECT references to the game and MAJOR SPOILERS TO ANYONE WHO HAS YET TO PLAY. PLEASE BE WARNED AND READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! <
> 
> I hope you all enjoy the prologue to this rollercoaster ride. More will come very soon, I promise. Stay safe everyone! And keep your heads up high!

_“More?”_

_Ellie’s hands found Dina’s hips and her back pressed gently against the shorter girl in front of her. A gentle breeze pressed softly against Ellie’s cheeks, a small sway in their hips starting up in accordance with the wind, and Ellie can’t remember if that was her or Dina who had started it._

_Her lips couldn’t resist pressing against the soft fabric of the shirt her girlfriend wore – this girl she loved so much, one she considered her wife, her soulmate, in every thought that crossed her mind of that beautiful face. They were quick to travel along the stitches of her shirt and eventually onto soft, supple skin that she had covered in all of her love; the same skin she’d marked with tender bites and long kisses during late nights and early mornings that she woke to those irresistible eyes which shone with countless doses of adoration._

_“You can tell me to stop.”_

_Dina’s actions deceived her playfully reluctant attitude, especially when she titled her head to allow Ellie’s lips to warmly press to her soft neck, and her failure to respond had Ellie reeling at how much she knew Dina appreciated her affections – as hardheaded as she was about admitting it._

_Beautiful, murky brown eyes closed as those lips made their way up, and Ellie felt the hairs on the back of Dina’s neck stand when Ellie reached a point just below her ear. The way the sunset colored Dina’s skin and made her glow in the perfect light had Ellie unable to halt herself from showering the girl – that love of her life – in the intimate endearment she deserved._

_A deep breath passed through the shorter girl’s nostrils as she felt her tension slowly giving way with each kiss that Ellie smoothed across her tightened neck, a deep relief crashing over Dina like a smooth, soft wave in the early moonlight. Ellie felt her body melting back against her, almost like she wanted to completely succumb in that moment, let go of any of her duties and responsibilities – let them all fly out the window – and sway with Ellie in the breeze, with the gentle cooing of JJ beside them. Ellie knew full well it was everything Dina wanted, and God, did she wish she could give it to her so easily._

_When Ellie pulled her lips away for a moment, a grin falling on those lips, as she felt Dina’s back tauten as the warm breath was removed from against freckled skin._

_“Should I stop?” Ellie slyly asked again, relishing Dina’s lack of response as the answer that she hadn’t wanted her to stop kissing up her neck and keeping a hold on her hips and letting their bodies sway in the sunset breeze._

_Once again receiving no answer, Ellie’s lips found the corner of a strong shoulder once again, pressing more tender kisses through the fabric until Dina finally gave into Ellie’s demeaning pressure, that coy smirk never leaving, even when Dina pulled away with a sigh._

_“Okay, enough,” That gentle chuckle had Ellie halting in her tracks. “Seriously.” A small bump of her rear to Ellie’s front, pushing her hips away from Dina’s body in a playful manner, getting Ellie to back off of her, despite how much Ellie knew the smaller girl to have been enjoying her affectionate ministrations._

_Holding the baby close, Ellie couldn’t help but smile and roll her eyes at her girlfriend’s stubborn demeanor – how persistent she was about not letting Ellie in too much. She saved the vulnerability for those few nights they found themselves alone, with a rare silence from the baby who bounced joyously in her arms._

_It was a life Ellie couldn’t begin to describe – it was more perfect than any settlement, any miracle, anything out in the world. Dina had always been a ray of blinding, shining light for her. Back in Seattle, Ellie knew better than anyone that had it not been for her beloved Dina, she would’ve quickly and easily lost her way._

_So much went unsaid between them. Dina never asked her officially to find the farmhouse just off the coast of Jackson’s walls. They just found it and fixed it. Dina never asked her officially to help raise her son. JJ just became Ellie’s son, too. Dina never asked her to marry her. They just knew they were prepared to spend all of eternity together with their farm and their baby boy._

_All of the kisses and the touches carried over, all of the unsaid love and affection carried over, and the will to die at each others’ sides carried over from their journeys and their experiences. It led to the most beautiful moments in Ellie’s life._

_Early mornings waking up beside Dina, sometimes with JJ curled up between them. Filled with the wonderful smell of bacon and eggs on the stove where Dina worked, while Ellie got their son into his comfortable clothes. Noons where both the girls were at work on the farm together, sometimes separate and sometimes working side-by-side. Even if they were separate, Ellie never took those distant smiles and stares at each other for granted. Afternoons they spent together, sometimes watching a movie or finishing chores with the baby. Some days Ellie spent these afternoons hunting or running to Jackson for some deliveries or for market trips. Evenings spent dancing in the kitchen and the living room, swaying to the songs as Dina tried to finish up a day’s work. Going out on the farm to bring the animals in before sundown, with JJ tucked under her shoulder, watching the goats run along in wonder. Late nights that were spent putting JJ to bed, and those few nights that he managed to stay quiet for a few hours, or by some miracle, the entire night, Ellie was finally able to indulge in her passions for Dina, ones that never left her throughout it all, ones that she carried with her from the night of their first kiss, and the night of their first intimacy._

_Those memories warmed Ellie to the core. They gave her a purpose – they gave her meaning. Without those buried deep in her heart and soul, she found there was nothing there but a desperate light in the darkness. She needed Dina, she needed JJ, and she needed the peace of her family. Most importantly, she needed her soulmate. Her light in the dark. Her firefly._

_And even despite everything they’d experienced and been through together, Dina was still her ray of sunshine, no matter how distant she was._

_Even when Ellie ripped that sunshine away with her own calloused bare hands._


	2. I: If I Ever Were to Lose You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is very detail-based and very descriptive of ellie's astoundingly deep emotional and mental battles. amidst struggling with ptsd, she's dealing with the loss of her lover and what she knew as her family. while hopeful, ellie's mind is in a very dark place. dealing with losing dina hasn't been easy whatsoever and has left her confused, angry, and numb. but she's still determined to find her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey all. It's been a few days and amongst dealing with my own personal things, I finally finished my entire playthrough of the game and holy hell. holy fucking hell. that's all i can really say.
> 
> a good song to listen to while reading this would be "polarize" by twenty one pilots. it's been among a few of the songs helping me cope recently.
> 
> thank you so much for reading, i can't believe the support and the eagerness to read. it's honestly incredible how the community completely grew in just hours. the amount of fics is overwhelming. it's amazing.

Damp air hung heavy in the atmosphere around her. It fed the vines and the moss that crawled up dark bark of towering trees that towered above her – the murky ambience that haunted the trunks and the treetops, the grayness and bleakness of the air reminded her strongly of the wistful, harrowing buildings of downtown Seattle.

Despite being in the middle of the Jackson woods, a place that used to feel so much like home, so deeply familiar, she felt like the ghouls of the Seattle skyscrapers and the broken roads rushing with water had completely swept her under, and she felt her throat filling with stinging, cold water. She felt her body involuntarily swaying and stuttering, as if she were being carried off in the rip currents with the water filling her lungs and igniting her chest into flames.

_Deep breaths,_ Ellie sighed out, the air pushing past tight lips, shaking into the cool, spring air. _In and out. You know what to do._

_“Whenever you get like this, don’t forget to breathe.”_

That voice was torturous in her dark mind – it filled her ears with a sweet nectar that she could taste like honey on her tongue. It was so gentle and melodic, and the memory so vast and vivid that she could almost feel one of those fragile hands finding her back and rubbing soothing circles up and down…

_No,_ She shook her head curtly, eyes scrunching as she repressed that voice, that painful memory, to the back of her mind. Her thoughts were vicious to her these days.

For many hours upon returning, she remembered the feeling of numbness that swept her nerves, her entire body, like a crashing wave on the Santa Barbara shore when the farmhouse came into sight – the way it felt to walk through the door of her home only to find the entire thing barren and… fucking empty. Everything was gone. Not a single trace of them left – only her pillow and her sheets and some of her clothes folded neatly on the empty bed.

In the other room, she saw Ellie’s guitar neatly laid upon the floor, the stacks of CDs and records they cherished so much packed up in open boxes, sitting beside the guitar on the floor. She felt absolutely no feeling in her nerves, even when she leaned down and took the thin, wooden neck of the guitar into her palm in lifted it up. No sensation sparked her body when her fingers slowly grazed along the rough strings – no feeling of relief came even when she placed the guitar on a thigh and sat in a playing position.

Whatever feeling she may have had left – any relief she may have had building up – vanished like thick steam when she let her fingers fall on the strings, and she realized that the G chord she had positioned herself to play would never be complete again when the blank note rang, the nubs of her fingers just barely missing the string by millimeters.

The memory of Dina’s face watching her intently when she played struck her next – it brought her back to the time in Seattle when they found that old, abandoned music shop, the guitar sitting quietly in its case beside the old fallen shelf. The way Dina sat and just _watched her._ Never in all her life had she remembered such adoration and love behind those dark eyes.

She could say the same for all those times in the farmhouse, too, before and after JJ came into the world. Those nights in the late summer, just weeks after moving into their house, where Ellie went out on the porch in the dark, with only the moon and the stars to brighten the crisp air around her. The same nights Dina would be finishing the chores and hear the sweet chords and notes from the open windows and quickly make her way outside after she finished to lean up on the railing or sit on the bench beside her and eagerly watch with the same fire in her eyes since their time in Seattle. That flame never died out, even in the late winter, when Ellie, Dina, and JJ all sat by the fireplace as the snow fell in the darkening evenings, JJ rolling around in his play chair and Dina resting an elbow against the arm of the couch, legs crossed and turned toward Ellie on the other side, eyes watching so deeply and lips curved into a devastating smile as she strummed and sang away to her family. 

She hoped the flame wouldn’t die out even when she couldn’t reach the strings and got the chords wrong.

Memories of Dina plagued her mind torturously. That feeling of dread and loss that she felt when she entered the empty, abandoned house still hung over her like a skeleton at the end of the rope. Every nerve in her body went numb with grief, every one of her remaining fingertips felt like they had fallen off and dropped onto the wood of the floor around her. She felt nothing.

The usual sound of music softly playing from one of their many records stocked up underneath the vinyl player was nowhere to be heard. The quiet, peaceful humming of her girlfriend at the sink doing the dishes or dusting and cleaning had completely vacated, letting the deafening silence sink deep into Ellie’s skin and bones, rattling her to her core. The sound of the baby cooing and bouncing and admiring the world around him had completely vanished like the rest of the wonderful things in Ellie’s life. Dina and JJ simply led the charge.

Pain surged her, then, replacing the numbness with a sense of confusion, emotionlessness, and anger. She was _angry_ at Dina because she was _confused._ Confused at what she did, why she left, where she went. Her confusion simply turned to anger, and the longer that the thought of her leaving played in her mind, it sat like bricks atop her brain, compressing every memory of happiness that threatened to break the seal and shoving it to the back burner as the sheer anger at her decision settled in.

_Why? Why did she do that? What was she thinking when she left? Did she even care when she did? I know I made a shitty fucking decision, and it’s all my fault. But, just… why? Why couldn’t she stick it out for me, be patient for some time, and wait until the day she would see me. I wasn’t a ghost forever. I wasn’t going to be a ghost forever. All I needed… was some understanding, some patience._

Regardless of her own feelings, Ellie understood. She knew that Dina had every reason to leave. She knew that she was making the right decision for herself and the baby. She knew that by parting ways, it would make Dina happy, and that’s all she wanted.

God, how was she even supposed to talk to her? What would she say? There was so much silence for so long, so many days that went unspoken that quickly turned to weeks as one day dropped after the other like dominos. There was so much uncertainty – would Ellie have ever made it back? What if she never came back? What if she’d died that day? What if she was the one with hands around her throat, being held under the salty, burning water as it filled her lungs and ripped away her consciousness?

Anger spiked deep inside every inch of her gut. She felt betrayed – hurt and broken. She had thought and hoped and begged for Dina to have been there for her. Her decision wasn’t an easy one, and in some ways where she didn’t regret it, she felt so god damn guilty. There was so much she had yet to confess to her – all the love in the world wouldn’t amount to how her heart beat for Dina.

And Dina just… left. Took her heart and ran.

It was so unexpected, yet Ellie saw it coming. When she came up to the gates of the farmhouse, an empty, gut-wrenching feeling filled her. Ellie knew that it was bound to happen. She knew that part of Dina was unforgiving and unsure. She felt as if she’d seen it coming from miles away, so why was she so hurt when it happened? When she walked through the door and saw nothing but empty memories and broken promises?

She wanted to understand why Dina did what she did. And half of her did. But the other half raged with confusion and anger and betrayal – Dina said she loved her in every way that she knew how to, she said that no matter what, she’d always be there. And yet, where was she? Why did she leave?

A growling pit in her stomach interrupted the tormenting thoughts swirling like the worst Seattle storms. It had been days since she’d eaten properly – weeks since she got a full night’s sleep. Every night she would lie awake, thinking of Dina and dreading what she would come home to. Never would she ever have expected Dina to be gone.

_Maybe I should stop and hunt,_ she guessed. Jackson was only a few miles out, maybe an hour’s ride on horseback. She’d be coming up on it soon – the only place she thought Dina to be. Where else did she have to go?

But the urge for food made her stop and grab at her stomach. It was almost painful.

Drawing her rifle from around her, she tucked it under her armpit and let the stock lean into it. After a careful, silent stalking through the trees, finally the rustling in a nearby fern had her eye at the scope, and the barrel pointed dead on at the sound. Just through the leaves, a rabbit had stood deathly still as Ellie’s presence began to loom over the creature. Eyes big and terrified, it refused to move a muscle, even when Ellie’s bullet rang out and buried itself in a small head.

The shot sent the birds flying from the trees around her. When the blood spurted from the rabbit’s head, her vision became clouded by a dead head on the ground, an unrecognizable face that Ellie knew so well, drenched in his own blood, bashed, with his head caved in–

With a scream, she fell backwards, landing on her rear and dropping the rifle beside her. Clutching her chest in agony, she remembered the fear of these anxiety attacks. After the memory of her talk with Joel back at the farmhouse, she felt a lot of the pressure and tension of her past and her hatred dissipate in thin air around her. But that in no way relieved the inevitable trauma of watching her father figure – the only figure she’d ever known – be brutally murdered in front of her eyes. Those images would be too hard to shake, and they’d be branded like iron into her mind for the rest of her life.

Her breaths slowly came to a manageable pace, the pain that had bubbled like acid on her skin and deep in her chest slowly alleviating with every slow breath in and out. Controlling these things had become a bit easier after she watched Abby drive off the coast of Santa Barbara in a boat carrying the boy she’d heard her call Lev, but they were still excruciating. Ellie knew only time would be the healer in these cases, and she hoped desperately to find it in herself to teach herself how to get these under control – for her sake, for Dina’s sake, and for JJ’s sake.

A shaky hand reached out to collect the rifle, slowly bringing it above her head and letting the strap fall on her shoulder. With a heave, she brought herself to her feet, heart still racing and hands still shaking, but under enough control with the image that had disappeared from her mind. Reaching down, she got a hold of the dead rabbit’s ears, and with a small collect of rope she’d managed to scavenge sometime on her trip back, she tied it to her backpack by the ears and let it fall beside her thigh.

_Jackson’s only a few hours out. I can last enough to just get myself there. There’s only a couple of hours of daylight left. It’s probably smarter to just wait and get there. No use in stopping now, or I’ll be stuck out here another night._

More than anything, she just wanted to get home. Although she considered her farmhouse home, her home was truly wherever Dina was. And she strived to get to Jackson as fast as she could, if that’s where she’d find her.

Her thoughts lost her once more, just as they had the entire trip there and the entire trip back. Hiking it straight back to Jackson after pulling up on the shores of Coos Bay in Oregon was definitely not the most fun experience of her life. She’d found a stray horse for a while to use, which shortened the trip by a long-shot, but even then, she didn’t last long when a pack of raiders swept through. Didn’t take much for Ellie to take those guys out, but it wasn’t enough for them to spare Daisy. She missed Daisy. She was the only other good life she’d seen for weeks – the only one that hadn’t tried killing her on the spot. She was good company for an old girl.

Remembering Seattle and how angry and hateful she was had really been the only thoughts whirling around in Ellie’s mind for solid weeks. It became exhausting to think at all. If it wasn’t that, it was worrying about Dina and JJ, and what would happen when she returned.

Now, she was full of hope. She was full of forgiveness, and she felt new. Despite the trauma that would creep up every now and again, Ellie felt like a new, rounded person. She knew the trip changed her – sparing Abby changed her. Losing her fingers and forgiving Joel changed her. Would Dina be okay with learning that, though? Or would she turn her back on her without a second glance?

Ellie wasn’t sure. She wouldn’t really know until she saw her, she figured. And all that time spent thinking, sure, she was nervous. But nothing at all compared to the anxiety she felt and the way her heart dropped when the gates of Jackson came into view, and she was standing just yards in front of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much again for reading. this chapter was definitely, for lack of a better phrase, an outlet for me. i hope all of you enjoyed. constructive criticism/feedback is very very much appreciated. the next chapters will be out soon.
> 
> if you'd like to see more from me or more tlou content, please follow my tumblr blog: @lmontyy, or lmontyy.tumblr.com. (by the way, the beginning letter is an L – many get that confused.)
> 
> take care of yourselves :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading.
> 
> As I said, I believe this is and will be my most important work to date. I hope you all enjoyed the introduction, and many more chapters of angst, fluff, anger, recovery, love, and reconciliation are yet to come.
> 
> You can follow my tumblr account for more TLOU content. My inbox/dms are always open for suggestions, requests to this fic, ideas, or any kind of discussion. I'm here for each and every one of you whenever you need. It's been a hard few days for us all with the release. Don't be a stranger!
> 
> Thank you again,  
> Monty


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